I Love You, Lily Evans
by i.am.a.freckle
Summary: sirius/lily fic. rated m just to be safe. lily is about to marry james and reflects on how she feels about him and wishes for another man to be in his place.


**I Love You, Lily Evans**

**Of all the things I've believed in **

**I just want to get it over with **

**Tears form behind my eyes but I do not cry **

**Counting the days that pass me by **

**I've been searching deep down in my soul **

**Words that I'm hearing are starting to get old **

**Feels like I'm starting all over again **

**The last three years were just pretend **

**And I said **

**Goodbye to you **

**Goodbye to everything I thought I knew **

**You were the one I loved **

**The one thing that I tried to hold on to**

**- 'Goodbye to You' by Michelle Branch**

I looked at my reflection in the full-length mirror, overcome with surprise and regret. Why was I doing this again? What made me think I could go through with this? My wedding dress was strapless, flowing and simple and it made my auburn hair look more outrageous and a lot redder than it had ever looked. _It makes it look fake_, I thought with distaste, holding a lock of hair in front of my face.

Why was this happening? My life had been perfectly scripted, lain out in front of me from a very young age: got to school, get O's in all my subjects, become a Healer, fall in love and marry an intelligent, handsome man, have children. Only, nothing was running the way it was supposed to. I had accomplished the first part: I had graduated top of my class with an internship already arranged with St Mungo's. It was the second part that I'd had trouble with. My soon-to-be-husband was intelligent, handsome to boot and I loved him. _Well then, what's wrong?_

I felt like a phony. I had been with James for two and a half years now. We had had some blissfully sweet moments and some bitterly horrible ones, just like any couple, but the whole time I'd wished it were someone else. Someone just as intelligent as James. Someone just as handsome as James. Someone I loved.

I sighed aloud into the quiet, still room. Stephanie was outside, dealing with some disaster that had occurred. I didn't want to know about it. She was such a good friend; she knew something was wrong but she could tell that I didn't want to talk about it. She simply smiled and said, "When you want to talk, I'm here." Unfortunately, it was too late for words. It was too late to sit and weigh up the pros and cons like we'd done in school. It was too late to look at it from every angle and decide whether it was right for me to be doing this. I _knew_ that this was the right thing to do. I _knew_ that I was supposed to be with James, but that didn't make it any easier to bear.

I closed my eyes and tried to push all these thoughts from my mind. I really didn't ever think that on my wedding day I would be having second thoughts. Things like that just didn't happen to me.

I didn't even know that someone had slipped quietly into the room until he spoke.

"Lily…"

I jumped at the familiar voice and turned around, my eyes popping open. He was standing just inside the door, scratching the back of his head, refusing to meet my eye. I felt my heart start to pump like it always did when we were in the same room.

________________________________________________________________________

"_What are you doing here, Evans?"_

_I turn at the deep voice behind me and see him standing at the foot of the boys' staircase, his usually perfect black hair ruffled at the back and his pyjama bottoms riding low on his hips. I blush when I see the line of hair disappearing under the waistband of his pants and turn around. I don't know why I have these stupid feelings for him. _It's just because he's so attractive_, I tell myself, trying to make up any excuse to explain the mystery. _But he's an idiot_._

_He collapses onto the couch beside me and yawns widely. I feel my heart skip a beat at how adorable he looks. "Umm," I stutter, trying to answer his question, "I guess I just couldn't sleep."_

"_You guess…?" he asks, quirking an eyebrow. I blush profusely. _What are you doing, Lily? He's just a boy! And a pigheaded, arrogant one at that… But he's so cute…_ I shake the argument from my head and focus my attention on his sleepy face. "What are you doing here?"_

_He yawns again before saying, "I was having trouble sleeping. I'm really exhausted, but every time I close my eyes…" he trails off and a dark look creeps into his sleepy eyes. My interest is immediately sparked as I glance curiously at him from behind my sheet of auburn hair._

"_Hmm?" I ask curiously, hoping for some reason that he'll elaborate. He sighs, squeezes his eyes shut and pinches the bridge of his nose. This gives me a good chance to check him out without him noticing, which I do guiltily. My brain screams at me to stop being such a _girl_._

"_I don't know, I've never had trouble sleeping before but lately this whole thing with my parents has been getting to me," he replies, still with his eyes closed. He then seems to realise that I don't know about the 'whole thing' with his parents and he opens his eyes. "You see, I left home this summer."_

"_Left home as in…?" I ask, confused._

"_As in, they kicked me out," he supplies bluntly. I blush and feel an overwhelming sense of sympathy for me._

"_Oh, I'm so sor-"_

"_I don't need you to feel sorry for me," he cuts me off, still in the blunt, emotionless voice._

"_I don't-" I stop myself before I can give myself the chance to babble. "When did it happen?"_

"_Second week of holidays. I spent the rest of it at Prongs' house," he says, his voice a lot softer. At the mention of James Potter, I feel my insides start to burn with anger and annoyance. I don't want to talk about James Potter._

"_That's really terrible," I say stupidly. _Of course it's bloody terrible, you nit!_ I think, mentally slapping myself on the forehead. He sends me a bitter look so intense that it scares me._

"_Whatever. I'm really okay about it. I never liked my parents that much and I probably would have run away if they hadn't kicked me out, it's just… they're my parents, you know? They should love me even if I am a blood traitor." _

"_Yeah, I know what you mean. Well, I don't, but…" I blush again at my stupidity. "I guess I'm lucky because my parents really are sweet to me. They're so supportive of my being a witch and their opinion of me hasn't changed because I can do magic. But my sister just doesn't talk to me anymore. We used to be really close, but after I got my Hogwarts letter… well, she wanted to be included," I say, aware that I was rambling a bit. "I knew Severus Snape before we came to Hogwarts, you know?"_

"_Really?" he seems genuinely surprised by this._

"_Yeah. Me, him and my sister were really good friends, but Severus and Pet didn't get along as much. He was the one that told me that I was a witch and about Hogwarts and everything. Pet knew that me and Severus would be going to Hogwarts together and she wanted to go too. I think she feels like I left her behind… I guess what I'm trying to say is that I understand what you mean when you say that they should love you for who you are."_

_He stares at me, shock and something I can't quite recognise burn in his eyes. I blush and avert my gaze, but all he does is say, "There's more to you than I ever thought, Evans."_

"_Please, call me Lily," I say. He smiles a lopsided grin before standing up and walking back to the boys' stairs._

"_Sure thing, Lily."_

_With that he makes his way back up to the boys' dormitories._

________________________________________________________________________

All I wanted in that moment was to run to him and hold him. I wanted to take off this dress. I wanted to take off everything it represented, everything it said would be happening. In that single moment, my heart ached so much for him that I physically felt my heart breaking because I knew that, no matter what happened, I couldn't have him. I couldn't have the one boy I wanted.

"I wish it were you," I said quietly, looking away from him, ashamed that I had said it aloud.

________________________________________________________________________

_I laugh out loud at the intense look on his face. He sends me a reproachful look and clamps his hand over my mouth to stifle the sound. "Do you want us to get caught?" he demands, but there is a smile tugging at the corners of his mouth. He lets go of my mouth and I grin up at him. He shakes his head and chuckles a little._

_After a few more seconds, I start shivering. "Merlin, it's cold in here," I whisper, rubbing at my arms to heat them up._

_He smiles cheekily at me and says, "I can think of something that would warm you up."_

_It is then that I realise how close we actually are, shoved into the small broom cupboard. Our legs are intertwined, trying to accommodate for the lack of room. It had seemed perfectly innocent when we had dived in there several minutes earlier, but now it seems daring, dangerous and a little erotic, his knee pushing apart my legs. _

_I find myself lifting a hand to his head to play with his hair. I hear his breathing stop as I entwine a silky black lock around my fingers, a small smile playing on my lips. His hand comes up to grab mine and he pulls it down, locking his fingers into my own. My heart beats a little faster as he leans down slowly. He looks from my eyes to my lips, debating whether or not he should take the last step. I grin and close the distance, pushing my lips onto his._

_His kiss is gentle and warm and not like anything I've ever experienced before. He doesn't respond at first (_it's the shock_, I tell myself) but after a second, he snakes his arms around my waist and pull me closer to him, if that's possible. I break off the kiss to take in some air and no sooner than our lips disconnect, he reengages it in an urgent, passionate way that makes me shiver._

_He tips my head back and trails kisses down my neck and across my collar bone. I moan quietly, loving the way his soft lips feel against my skin. His hands slip under my shirt and trace circles on my lower back and I have the sudden urge to take it off. As I do, I bump my elbow on the wall, connecting my funny bone with the hard stone wall. I cry out in pain, and immediately pull away. He grins at me and the odd half-laughing, half-crying noise that I'm making. _

"_What's going on with us, Evans?" he asks wistfully before sighing and kissing the top of my head._

________________________________________________________________________

"Don't say that, Lily," he said and I could hear the sorrow in his voice. Defiance burned in my stomach.

"Why not?" I demanded. "It's the truth, isn't it? I wish it were you."

He shook his head, his raven black hair swinging around as he did so. "No, you don't."

"Don't tell me what I want!" I said angrily, forcing the tears out of my eyes. I heard him sigh heavily and then his footsteps as he crossed the room to where I was standing. His big soft hands rested themselves on my bare shoulder, sending a shiver of anticipation throughout my body. I wanted him to lean down and close the gap between us, but instead he just stood there, breathing evenly.

________________________________________________________________________

_I shift in his arms to see if anyone is watching us but, upon finding the corridor completely empty save for us, I turn back to him and kiss him lightly on the lips. "I don't know why you want to keep this a secret," I say with a roll of my eyes._

"_Because this is wrong," he whispers sadly, nestling into my hair. I feel a spark of anger ignite in the pit of my stomach. I feel the stinging sensation of rejection._

"_Wrong? How is this wrong?" I demand, pulling away from him and resting my hands on my hips. He sighs resignedly before trying to pull me back, but I resist him._

"_We've had this conversation before, Lily - you know why," he replies, pinching the bridge of his nose._

"_What, because Potter has some crush on me? He doesn't _own_ me; I'm not his property. I'm allowed to be with whomever I want, and so are you. He doesn't dictate your life either!" I exclaim. _

"_He's my best friend," he supplied weakly, his grey eyes begging with me to stop._

"_So what if he's your best friend? I don't care if he's your brother! If he's really your best friend and he really likes me then shouldn't he want to see us happy? Shouldn't he want us to be with the person we care about, even if it hurts him?"_

"_He's liked you for so long…"_

"_Like I said before, I don't care. This isn't about him. This is about us and how we feel about each other and if you don't like me enough-" he cuts me off before I can finish the sentence._

"_Don't you _dare_ say that Lily!" he growls, pushing me up against the wall. My anger vanishes in an instant and in its place, fright and elation come over me. Fright because his eyes are so intense and elation because he denied my statement with such ferocity. "Don't you _dare_ make out that I don't care about you, Lily, because I do and that's the problem."_

"_I still don't see why it's a problem. You like me, I like you, Potter likes us both… This should make sense," I say, a little helplessly. We've had this conversation millions of times over and each time it ends the same way - with things no different than when the argument started._

"_It's just… not like that. I'm sorry," he says, resting his head on my shoulder. I wrap my arms around him and nuzzle into his soft hair._

"_I'm sorry too."_

________________________________________________________________________

"I know I can't tell you what you want, but you have to realise that you don't want me," I tried to deny it, but he talked over top of me, "you want the _idea_ of me. What you don't realise right now is that you saw me as an escape from how serious your relationship with James was getting. We may have started before you and James got together, but you only continued it because you were looking for a way to ignore the strength of your feelings for him. You knew that I was the type of guy that only ever looked for something fun to do. You were scared and I was… bored."

His speech hurt me so severely that I gasped, but he didn't seem to hear me. "You once said, 'If he's really your best friend and he really likes me then shouldn't he want to see us happy? Shouldn't he want us to be with the person we care about, even if it hurts him?' Well, this hurts me so much, letting you go, but I'm James' best friend and even though it hurts, I have to do this because I want to see you both happy and I know that you'll be happy together. James deserves to be happy and so do you. I just know that if we stayed together… it would kindle out after a few years. I _know_ it would. I've hurt James enough over the past two and a half years, even if he doesn't know about this, and I think it's about time I stopped acting like a spoilt pureblood brat who has everything he wants. I need to lose you so that I can appreciate what we have with someone else in the future so much more."

I was confounded by what he was saying. He was already thinking about moving on! Pain and sadness blurred my vision as he let his arms drop to his sides and took a step back. I stepped toward him, but he moved away again until he was standing by the door. He reached a hand out to the door handle and made to turn it.

"I love you, Lily Evans. I tried to stop. I tried to tell myself that it wasn't real - just a fascination with something I could never have. You're so much better than me and James is the guy for you, I know it. He's a good man and he's my best friend. But, this _thing _that I feel for you, it's complicated and it would never work out anyway. But, God, do I love you." He turned the doorknob and started through the door.

My mind was racing to say something, anything, to stop him from leaving, to convince him that he was wrong. If we gave this a chance, it could work. My feelings for him were real. My heart was breaking and my mind was falling apart all in one moment. I said the words just as the door closed behind him.

________________________________________________________________________

"_I heard you and James are going to Hogsmeade together."_

_I turn sharply to face him. I've been dreading this moment since I said yes to James, and now that it was here, I didn't think I could cope with it. One look into his eyes, even though he wouldn't look at me, told me that he was jealous and I feel a rush of elation._

"_I'm really sorry," I say. I know it's a weak thing to say to him, but I can't think of anything else. He sighs and shrugs and turns to walk away. I catch his arm. "I _really_ am sorry. But, you were the one that told me that this would never work. You were the one that told me that this is wrong. You were the one that told me to say yes."_

"_I know," is all he says. I take a quick look around me and when I see no one else around, I lean up and kiss him full on the mouth. His familiar taste sends shivers marching up and down my spine. He kisses me back passionately, as though this is the last time we'll ever do so. Although, I have a feeling in my stomach that it's not._

_He pulls away first and, without giving me so much as a backwards glance, walks away with his head down and his hands shoved into his pockets and my heart wrenches, knowing that it will never be complete without him._

________________________________________________________________________

"I love you too, Sirius Black."


End file.
